The dictionary defines the word relentless as “oppressively constant, incessant, cannot get away from.”

The word relentless is a word that has such meaning behind it, and in reference to Gods love for us, it’s relentless. No matter our sins, or our shame. His love isn’t contingent, nor does it come with strings. I’m thankful today for the relentless love of my Savior. I’m so thankful that he showers mercy and grace on me, even when I haven’t deserved such lavishness.

For the better part of fifteen years, I have struggled with my body image, though it wasn’t until 10 years ago that I became obsessed with the mirror. I would sit in front of the mirror for 30 minutes or more, making sure the outside reflected the opposite of what was inside. I was lonely, broken, and felt very unloved. So, I turned my attention to the mirror in hopes that if I were beautiful, maybe that void in my heart would subside. That I would get that love that I was longing for. I didn’t. It only led me down a darker road. This road was filled with idolatry. I worshipped the gym, my scale, and my exterior. I idolized other women that had “that figure” I was so desperate to have. I hated myself on the inside, but never wanted anyone to see that side of me. So I continued to view my exterior under a microscope.

As nothing was filling the void in my life, like an addiction, a little bit of attention wasn’t enough to satisfy the hole still gaping open in my heart. I needed more. I needed something else. I was searching in ALL the wrong people, and all the wrong places. I was desperate for a relentless love. But, I continued to run further from Jesus. From what I knew was right. I continually strived to be skinny, pretty, and fit, so much so that I formed an eating disorder. I lost 72 pounds in 18 months. I was religious about weighing myself, and I would go days without eating. I put all of my energy into making the exterior worthy of someone’s love, all the while my insides were dying. Literally.

It wasn’t until April 2014, in New Orleans, that I was standing in front of a mirror crying because I felt like I looked 7 months pregnant in a particular dress. My boyfriend, WDD, in the most loving way…. (Not!) informed me that I was insane. He bluntly with nothing but love, urged me to seek help. I wasn’t 95 pounds dripping wet, and I still saw a large woman in the mirror. I didn’t see what he saw. I didn’t see what anyone saw anymore. Satan had me right where he wanted me. I officially cared more about my looks than I did about Jesus. I cared more about my reflection than I did about my morals, my values, my family, and the nature of my relationship with my Savior. I will always be grateful for WDD. if it weren’t for his shoot it straight, you are bat crap crazy intervention, I don’t know that I would be here right now. I wasn’t willing to face it. To admit, out loud, that I was dying inside.

But once faced with that reality, it was time to figure some things out. I needed help. I wasn’t going to be able to fight this on my own. Thankfully even as I was running so far away from Jesus, he was orchestrating a beautiful support system for me. Why would he do that? I continually ran away from his love. I looked to anyone else to fill the hole that was intended only for Him. And yet, He pursued me still.

I’m thankful that six months ago, I had a man that loved me enough to encourage me to seek guidance, I had my family supporting me, and wonderful coworkers cheering me on. In the deepest aches of my soul, is where I found Jesus – His relentless love that I had searched a decade for, was waiting for me. I still struggle with self-worth and self love. It’s not easy somedays. But, I have such peace that I have a God that is bigger than my fears, He is bigger than my loneliness. And He promises He is in the midst of the struggles with me. In His eyes, I am beautiful. Inside and out. He doesn’t weigh all my wrongs against me, or measure me up to where I should be or who I could be…. He is guiding every step I take, with a relentless love.

Image by: www.unlockhope.com , www.walkinlove.com & www.vrsly.com