Do you leave people better than when you found them? Are they better for having known you? Do you add value to the people around you, or do you take life away?
Not really easy questions….. For me anyways.

The truth is: I have a history of ME.

I wasn’t in the business to leave people better than when I found them. Let’s be real, that meant my attention had to deviate from me long enough to focus on someone else- and That wasn’t gonna happen. No one was better for having met me. They were less. They were less of who they were before they crossed my path. I have been selfish. A giver wasn’t an adjective used to describe me.

Ever.

Taker. That’s what I’ve been. A taker. Looking out for myself, and leaving a trail of empty people in my wake.

After a decade of ME CENTERED living, you’d think I’d have it all. But I woke up each morning empty. Completely unfulfilled, and still searching. I sought out how to fill that empty space. Over, and over and over. It was an every day, every decision cycle. It became second nature to choose me. To choose temporary happiness (that satan conveniently disguised as lifelong joy). Ironically, with every self centered choice, I was still left emptier than the choice before. I became a shell of a person. Exhausted. Empty. Broken.

It has to become a thought out process to choose something different. To choose someone other than me. To be unselfish. I LITERALLY have to stop! I have to slow life down a bit (A TON), and literally think out my decisions and how they affect everyone else. It’s saddening to think I have to consciously think about others. That that isn’t instinctive. But, it isn’t! My default is ME.

Is your default you? Do you think of yourself before you think of others?

That friends, is the nature in which we were born. We were born selfish. We were born into sin. We were born with a default setting of, ME. All of us. It isn’t until we come to Jesus that we are able to see the joy in selflessness. It isn’t until we look up, that we are able to see others. In light of the cross, we are able to see past our own self.

I’m still very much on this journey of consciously thinking of others, I pray.. It becomes second nature. I’m happier when others are fulfilled, and I see now how miserable I am in momentary selfish satisfaction.

My hope, is that I will leave people better than when I found them. That I would be a light in their life. If even momentarily. I pray they see Jesus in me.

Comparison. Almost killed me. Literally. I don’t know the exact moment, or the exact age I was when this disease took over my heart, but it’s safe to say, I was fully engulfed by 15. It was around this time, my older sister went off to college and her life drastically changed. She was always beautiful. No matter her size. She didn’t then and doesn’t now wear a bit of makeup. She never needed to. She is flawless. Natural beauty through and through.

She was going through the throws of freshmen year at auburn, and I was a freshmen in high school. Every time she came home from college, she was skinnier. And naturally, tried on my clothes. (Back when Arden B. was the place to shop) she began measuring her size based on my clothes. And I saw this unfolding. With each time, I became more determined to be the “skinny” sister. We entered into some sort of unspoken competition, that I don’t even know that either of us were consciously aware of. But my heart had been consumed with comparison and envy. I was measuring my size against hers. My face against hers. Everything about me against her. It breaks my heart to know that one of the most beautiful relationships God gave me, has been littered with comparison. I think all siblings to some sort of a degree, do this. So I don’t think we were completely abnormal, however I was taking it to another level. It ate away at me for years.

Once the poison of comparison takes hold, it’s hard to shake. I didn’t understand my worth, or my value at the time. The lies that satan was constantly screaming at me were hard to drown out- They became the only voice I heard. I continually felt like I wasn’t enough. I placed all my value in my exterior. I felt like as long as that was perfect, I would be happy. But, with every attempt to beautify my exterior, my interior was breaking. I was losing a piece of myself with every comparison.

It wasn’t long into my marriage that I found out my husband had an addiction to pornography. For anyone, this is gut wrenching. You almost instinctively blame yourself. I couldn’t understand at the time that this was a him issue and not a me issue. I once again tore myself apart. I felt ugly, and ashamed- worthless. I didn’t look like the girls he was looking at. I didn’t compare. Satan once again reminded me how unloved I was, that if I were prettier, skinnier, fitter, blonder, more voluptuous then my husband would be attracted to me. And for a decade, I fed this lie. I lost and gained weight like a yo-yo, I lived in the gym, I had breast Augmentation, and I dressed like anything but what I was; a mother and a wife. I wanted so desperately to be worth looking at. As with any sin, it only adds more. I became bitter toward him, and settled the determination within myself, I WAS GOING TO BE WORTH LOOKING AT. and I didn’t care anymore if it was him that was looking. I was all out seeking the second glances, the conversation, the lust of other men. I wanted my husband to feel the pain I was feeling. I wanted him to know, that other men found me attractive. I was enough for someone.

I was consumed with myself. I lost all sense of morals, and value. I lost myself, or perhaps I hadn’t even found myself yet. I was too busy looking in the mirror that I didn’t have time to waste looking into my heart. I was under the impression that as long as the exterior was show-stopping no one would even think to look at my core. Had they done so, it would’ve broken their hearts. It was shallow- I was a shell of a person.

Ultimately, his addictions, and the ramifications of my comparison trap ended our marriage. Neither of us knew who we were, or what we stood for.. If anything.

I don’t think I knew the magnitude to which the thief of comparison had taken me hostage. It wasn’t until WDD came along that I truly understood how I was living, and how truly broken I was. For once, there was this man that loved me for more than my looks. He was interested in me for me. He loved me for the mother I was, for the strength he saw in me. For my personality. He saw something inside of me worth bringing out. He ventured to see the AWFUL, THE UGLY, and all my sin, every single skeleton in my closet. And he chose to love me anyways.

By the advice of my big brother, Stuart, we began going to Passion City Church, and with every Sunday that l sat under Louie Giglio, I could clearly hear God telling me he loved me. That I didn’t have to spend another moment comparing myself to any other person. I continually felt the Holy Spirit pressing into my heart. I was searching my whole life to feel that sort of love. I continually looked toward men to fill that void; but it was the place of my savior. No one else was ever going to be able to fill that desire in my heart.

I gave my life to Jesus in July of last year. And in that decision, I found freedom. I found grace. I found forgiveness. I found my worth. And I found my beauty which extends much deeper than my exterior. I wasted so much of my life staring in a mirror, trying to measure up to something else. But, I find such peace knowing now that I am loved, I am worthy. And I am the daughter of a King. My value comes from Him, and He alone.

Do you suffer from the thief of comparison? Has it robbed you of a decade? Has it taken you places you never thought you’d go, doing things you vowed you’d never do? Has it robbed you of relationships, or of joy? I pray that you too realize your beauty is inside, and that you have a Father that loves you enough to send his son to die for you. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are radiant. And so worth loving.

 

 

These are foreign words to me. Slow down….. If you have ever ridden in a car with me, you know that I don’t drive fast, I fly low. I seriously have a lead foot. The good or maybe not so good news is: it’s totally genetic. My dad and his whole side of the family are natural speeders. So, I will now officially blame my problem on genetics. Only Kidding, Dad.

While, I do totally need to slow down in a vehicle, that isn’t the idling I’m truly talking about.

I’m a mom and a dad to 3 amazing kiddos.. If I do say so myself… And being 2 people isn’t an easy task. I find myself constantly rushing, hurrying, and moving from one thought to the next without ever actually putting thought into the equation at all. It becomes habit after a while. You become immune to chaos and disorder. As if that’s all we were created to do. There is always something to get done, somewhere we have to go, a meal that has to be made, laundry to be folded, baths to be given, a house to clean, and the list goes on and on. Until my life becomes exactly that.. A LIST. Everything just becomes a task to accomplish. I, too often have sat down with my children to work on homework or to color, but my heart isn’t in the activity, my thoughts are going ninety to nothing on all the other things I have to check off my list before I get to bed. Spending time with my loved ones isn’t or shouldn’t ever be on a list. Because while I can say, “CHECK! I spent 20 minutes reading with my kiddos.” I couldn’t tell you what the story was about because I was too busy waiting for the 20 minutes to be done, so I could move to the next item on the list.

I’ve made one thousand too many mistakes rushing through life. Thinking about the right now, instead of the consequences and ramifications my actions may have on my future – On my kid’s future. I am now living some of those consequences from past rushing around, and only thinking of myself. I see now with much clearer vision, the pain of living a hurried life.

God longs to give us peace, and to ease our fears and worry. But, he can’t remotely be heard over the constant rushing around. Jesus urges us to slow down, to take time with Him, in His word. He promises to take care of us. But there again, He can’t do that if we aren’t taking the time to be in His presence. Our time with our Savior shouldn’t be on a check list. He isn’t a box to be checked off. He is our father, He is our maker, and He demands all of us.

It’s quite easy to go through life just checking boxes, but are you really living? Are you really giving your all to the people who love you? If helping another person is merely a box to complete, did you really reflect your Savior? Did you really pour love on to your children as you mentally were thinking of all the tasks to complete, instead of listening to the Little Bear book your child was reading to you? The answer is NO. God knows the very nature of our hearts, and he pleads for us to be Christ-like. In order to be more like Christ, we have to be less like us. We need to turn our eyes to Jesus, and ask that His will be done, instead of “Lord, let me get through these 36 things on my to-do list, so I can sleep peacefully tonight, Amen.”

I’m challenging myself to be more present in all I do, to be more patient, and giving, to be more Christ-like, and less Alexandra like. It’s time to slow down- to be intentional and deliberate in my actions, To spend more time in His word than in my own thoughts. Rushing through life isn’t a meaningful life. And trust me, I’ve lived it, It has its own set of consequences. So, I challenge you as well, Spend less time checking boxes this week and more time checking in with God. We could all stand to slow down a bit. We have this one life to live; to reflect our Savior, to reach others, and to give glory to our God. And maybe even take our foot off the accelerator in the car and take in the beauty of your surroundings.

 

 

It’s so easy to get frustrated with God when we follow Him, to what WE think is His will for our lives.

We say, “Yes!” And then believe that because of our faithful obedience to His calling, He was going to make the way easy, clean-cut, and without any bends in the road. But that is a lie straight from the assailant. He WANTS us to believe that God called us somewhere only to leave us frustrated, hopeless, and alone. He wants us to feel like God turned His back on us. But the truth, the real truth is; that God promises us, that He is with us in the waiting. He is by our side with each bend in the road. Within every problem, and even when it looks like the road of Obedience is filled with overgrown shrubs, thorns and a 100% chance of thunderstorms. Following the will of God doesn’t mean a problem-free life; it means quite the opposite really. The moment you say yes to following Jesus, Satan works overtime to ensure you don’t ever reach the destination of God’s calling. He wants to leave you broken, hurting, and lonely. He wants you to be empty and angry with God.

I’d be lying if I said I don’t ever wrestle with God. Most nights I fall asleep doing just that. I try to remind God of all the “right” I’ve done, and how I repented for all the “wrong”, and I try to remind Him that I am following His will.. (Which really means, the life I want for myself, that I ASSUME He would want for me too, because I know best, right?) In case He seems to have forgotten. But, truth be told; He has never forgotten. And HE hasn’t left me. I know that in my moments of wrestling with Jesus, I become closer to Him. I give Him more of my heart, and He speaks into the places that are confused, and wounded. He lovingly reminds me, that He knows better than I do, and that because I did repent for the wrong I’ve done, and I chose to follow Him, He would be with me in my waiting. He is going to see His will in my life carried out. It might not be MY will, but it will be His. And ultimately, that’s the only life I would ever want.

So, as I sit here this morning, in canvas Toms, without an umbrella, in the middle of a torrential downpour, I will find shelter in the arms of my Savior. He won’t leave me, when everyone else has. He won’t remind me of all my wrongs, as others will. He won’t leave me here broken and confused. He will shelter me from the rain. He will mend the wounds, and heal my heart, in His timing. And He will see to it that His will for my life, is carried out. He will see me through to the end. I’m thankful this morning for the storms I’ve endured, am enduring, and will endure in the future because I know, within those I’m closer to the only love that will never expire or end, and Praise Him, he is with me while I wait for His plans to unfold.

heading image by: Emily Poulin- Instagram: @Emilieepoulin

Your love is strong.

It has held me when I’ve been too weak to stand.

It’s carried me through the darkest moments of my life.

Your love has not only seen me rise from the depths of brokenness, but urged me to do so.

Your love sustained me in my most vulnerable state.

Your love whispers words of hope to my greatest fears.

Your love gave me grace, when I wasn’t deserving, and direction when I was lost.

Your love gives me joy, when days are full of sorrow.

Your love gives healing to the most painful wounds.

Your love fights, even when concession seems to be the better option.

Your love is mighty when weakness seems to prevail.

Your love saved me.

Your love is strong.

I’m a mom. Period. I’m a mom that has three amazing children. A mom, that at 19 married the wrong man because we had a child together. I’m a mom that for 10 years was broken and lost and hurting. I’m a mom that for 10 years was selfish and put myself and my wants and needs above others. I’m a mom. One that has a history of “not getting it right”. One lined with lies, pain, cheating, and heartache. I’m a mom. I’m a mom that because of the past that I chose, I now am a single mom. Full time. To three children. 24/7. No break. No time to breathe. And that isn’t a good or a bad thing. Or anyone else’s problem. It just IS. That is what I am. Because of the choices my ex-husband and I made, He is in prison and I am a full time mother and father.

I’m a mom. But being a mom requires me to still do all the things that a mother does. A mother goes to the grocery store, she runs errands, she goes to target, she exchanges clothes, she still has to meet all of life’s demands for her children as well as herself. She cooks, she cleans, she folds clothes, she takes children to the doctor, she helps with homework, she bathes them, she reads with them, she plays even when she is exhausted, she prays with them, she picks up the same pair of shoes 100 times in a day, she goes and she goes and she goes. She gives even when there isn’t much left to give. From 5:30 am to 11:30pm…. NON STOP. 7 days a week, 365 days a year… and odds are by 2 am someone will have had a nightmare, and she will have to get someone water, and hug them and tell them it’ll be alright, and sleep with a child for the next 3 hours…. Because SHE IS A MOM. PERIOD.  This is life. It’s my life. It’s not “leave it to beaver” or perfect. It’s life. I’m not always going to get it right 100% of the time. But, I am putting my children first ALWAYS. I am putting God first ALWAYS. And I do everything I can to be the best mother I can be to the three most amazing children on this planet. Being a mom, is the hardest job I WILL ever have. Its thankless, and truly has no end. But, With ALL of this being said: I love my life. And I wouldnt trade any moment in the trenches of motherhood for anything else in this world.

Grace

grās/
noun
1.
simple elegance or refinement of movement.
“she moved through the water with effortless grace”
synonyms: elegance, poise, gracefulness, finesse; More
antonyms: inelegance, stiffness
courteous goodwill.
“at least he has the grace to admit his debt to her”
synonyms: courtesy, decency, (good) manners, politeness, decorum, respect, tact
“he at least had the grace to look sheepish”
an attractively polite manner of behaving.
plural noun: graces
“she has all the social graces”
2.
(in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

There is such beauty In His grace. That even though I’m a bucket of issues, and I’m less than perfect, and seem to mess up at very turn- He still favors me. He shows His unrelenting love upon me, and not by my merit. But through Jesus and Jesus alone. As you will soon come to see, I’m anything but worthy of this sort of grace. But, then again you aren’t either. None of us are. We all have a past we aren’t proud of, decisions we wish we could redo, relationships we wish we never would’ve entered into, addictions we form and try to break, lies we’ve told, people we’ve hurt, choices we’ve made- and each of these would be large reason for God to turn away from us. But, no! He pursues us even in the midst of all that mess. In the heap of my heartache is where I found God. At the pinnacle of my brokenness He showed me The beauty in grace.

This is my story. My blog. My heart. This is my vulnerability and my heartache and my struggles. This is raw. It’s painful, but it’s real. It’s truth. And it’s anything but pretty. Pray for me as I begin this next step in my faith. I believe God is asking me to share my story. I pray I could do it in such a way that it gives Him ALL THE HONOR and ALL THE PRAISE. Through He and He alone I was found. I was lost, But He truly found me in the depths of darkness. He illuminated a new path for me with His love- A love I was craving for- One I searched my entire life to find.

I pray that through my story, you see His beauty as well–THE BEAUTY IN GRACE