With the clearest vision, and eyes looking up… You can genuinely see Satan’s traps for exactly what they are. When your eyes are looking down and turned solely on yourself, it’s hard to see them until you are entangled in this web of sin and destruction, screaming FOR YOUR LIFE. It’s when your eyes are looking to help, THE ONLY HELP, BEFORE the ensnarement, that you can avoid the trap all together. You are able to see destruction down one path, and faithfulness and contentment down the other. It’s here, that you can see Gods will versus Satan’s lie.

I have a history of selfishness, as I’ve stated throughout my blog. I have a history of seeking love in ALL THE WRONG PLACES. I have a history of hating myself and pleading for anyone to love me enough to fill the spot I couldn’t live with. I have a history. It’s messy. It’s painful. And It’s ugly.

Satan used the lust of men to entice me into the trap of feeling loved. Satan lured me each time with the lie that this man or that man would love me. All of this so called love was based solely on the exterior that I tried so desperately to perfect; so that no one would see the broken, lonely girl I was on the inside.

I was married. And I was reveling in other men’s attention. I was with all of me, dressing for it, looking for it, begging for it. I succeeded. I got exactly what Satan told me I wanted. I got “love” for a moment. I got told how beautiful I was for a text message or two…on that secret phone. I got exactly what Satan told me I had to have.

What I didn’t get was genuine, unconditional love. I didn’t get a happy marriage. I didn’t get healthy. I didn’t get Jesus. I was absolutely lost. And with each turn of another mans head, I got more and more broken. What I thought would fulfill me, kept tearing me further away from the longing I truly had.

You see, Satan does know, just as Jesus does, the desires of our heart. He knows what we long for, and he also knows the greatest way to present that as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He knew my loneliness. He knew my longing for connection and understanding. He knew my need for affection. And he was doing everything he could to keep me from turning to Jesus to fulfill each of those needs. He kept giving me worldly men that would appear to meet my needs, only to leave my heart ripped apart, my whole self engulfed in sin, and the shame and guilt that would indeed come with my choices.

The ramifications and destruction of this cycle are almost unspeakable. It left me sick, 95 lbs., alone, empty, and struggling to pick up the pieces. It left me completely paralyzed with guilt and shame. It left me. Period. I was no longer a viable person. No one worthy of much, anyways.

It wasn’t until I came to Jesus, that I began seeing a different path. It wasn’t until I situated my eyes on the cross, that I was able to feel everything that I had spent a decade searching for. It wasn’t until I reached to Jesus that I became free.

Id be lying if I said that it isn’t an intentional decision to carry myself differently. I do things deliberately now. I am intentional in the way I dress, in the conversations I will in engage and with whom. I’m mindful of my past and how quickly I have fallen into Satan’s traps. If I’m not, I’ll quickly fall right back down. My greatest desires haven’t changed. Just the man to which is fulfilling them has. Jesus is the ONLY man that can fulfill all my desires. He is the only man that can make me feel loved, even in the midst of all my sin. Jesus is the only man that can free me from my shame. He is the only man that offers me beauty in grace!

I was reminded tonight, through a linkedin request by one of the men I had sought attention from in my past; of every single pain I have caused. To myself, To my children, to my partner, to others… And I took that moment, to thank God for rescuing me from that life. From that trap. From that past. I believe Satan was trying his hardest to get me to look elsewhere for my love. To turn my eyes off the cross, if even for a moment. I believe he wanted to take me back down the road of ensnarement. An attempt to take my focus off the life and path I am striving for NOW.

I’m thankful tonight that I have eyes that are looking up. That I have a God that is looking down, and Jesus carrying all my sin on a cross to offer me this beauty in grace.