Author: Alexandra
Let it be Jesus
Let it be Jesus.
Forgiveness has a name, it’s Jesus.
Mercy has a name, it’s Jesus.
Grace has a name, it’s Jesus.
Hope has a name, it’s Jesus.
Justice has a name, it’s Jesus.
Love has a name, it’s Jesus.
Friendship has a name, it’s Jesus.
Acceptance has a name, it’s Jesus.
Restitution has a name, it’s Jesus.
Affirmation has a name, it’s Jesus.
Generosity has a name, it’s Jesus.
Restoration has a name, it’s Jesus.
Healing has a name, it’s Jesus.
Second chance has a name, it’s Jesus.
Let it be Jesus.
Perseverance vs. Persistance vs. Obstinance
Within these words lie some very large differences, though we often use them interchangeably. For so long I have been the girl that would hold on WAYYY past the expiration date. No matter what it was, Be it a character trait/flaw, a friendship, relationship, job. I am terrible at letting go. So, I push forward. Errr….. or is it that I push back?
Wait, now Im just confused.
Maybe all this time I thought I was doing the right thing, but it was REALLY the wrong thing. I DO NOT GIVE UP. I like to be right, and I do not like to lose; but on the other hand, I’ll cower in submission, and I’ll take blame for anything. I’m constantly at war with myself. I push way past the breaking point for things, expecting the outcome to change. Expecting to make others see what I see, or feel what I feel, regardless of the amount of damage or the time that has passed. Is it because I’m persevering? or because I’m persistent? Or is it because I’m just plain stubborn? Is it because I hate the thought of losing? Or is because I know in my heart, that there is something worth fighting for?!
I think we as people, judge those that give up too quickly. We urge people to push forward and endure, we rally for those that continue despite EVERY.OBSTACLE. We have secret disdain for those that quit, and murmur words of disappointment when we believe others should continue trekking down a mindless path of persistence. And to what? Is there a means to the end? Does the outcome change? Is there always triumph and victory for those who don’t throw in the towel? Let’s be real y’all: NO! There isn’t always victory. There isn’t always a win. Things won’t finally work out just the way you envisioned, and there will be times when it just will not work. Regardless of how hard you try.
Sometimes, there is that small voice inside of you, that says: “I NEED YOU TO NOT QUIT.” Something that won’t let you let go. And you continue persevering. You continue persisting. And you continue waiting.
Persevering is looking forward with one goal, LEARNING from the failure, and then not making the same mistake over and over.
Persistence is going on regardless of opposition, remaining unchanged. So, usually the same obstacle repeats itself, since no lesson was learned and there was no resolution to change.
Obstinacy is the shear determination to not let go. To be stubborn and hold on, for the sake of holding on.
It was once said that:
“The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is one comes from a strong will, while the other comes from a strong won’t.”
I have to be honest, there have been MANY MANY MANY situations I’ve found myself in that I’ve held on just because I refused to let go. I had a very strong won’t! I WONT LOSE. I WONT FAIL. I WONT MOVE ON. I WONT LEARN THIS LESSON. I WONT CHANGE MY WAYS. y’all, my strong WONT, kept me prisoner.
My wont, has kept me from Gods will.
Sometimes the outcome isn’t going to be picture perfect. It’s not going to be rosey, and happy, or just the way you had envisioned. Sometimes it’s messy, it’s painful, it’s hard, and it looks a lot like letting go. Sometimes, it resembles surrendering, walking away, and frankly it looks like heartache. Sometimes the persistence will not ever pay off, and you may never get your yes. Sometimes you have to be willing to throw in the towel, waive your white flag, and face the music. Persistence has a time limit. Eventually it runs out, and you are no further along than you were when you started.
Perseverance on the other hand, is limitless. It always pushes forward, through every set back, it continues to inch closer to victory. It doesn’t seize, and is relentless in its pursuit. Perseverance is the strength in mind, body, and spirit to accept the hardships gracefully, be willing to bend and learn as you trek, and to never lose sight of the prize. Be it big or small, a job, a relationship, an endeavor.. There is that constant whisper saying: “I need you to NOT quit.”
So what are you doing? Are you persevering, are your persisting, or are you just plain obstinate? No one can determine which of these you are doing but you. But take a moment to consider the journey.. Are you any farther for having been on it? Have you been willing to learn painful lessons, and then apply them? Have you whined and stomped your feet and screamed NO!!? Have you been gracious and understanding? Or have you just been too scared to face the unknown? Have you been too prideful to admit defeat, and too stubborn to let that which is gone, go?
For me, I’ve been a lot of each of these. Too scared to let go, because I fear being alone. Too afraid to take the next giant step, because what if I fail?! Too prideful to walk away and accept failure, because does that mean I AM A FAILURE? BUT, and there IS a BUT: I’ve also held on and fought for what was important. I’ve made mistake after mistake after mistake, but somehow I’ve gotten farther having gone through the pain. I’ve endured hell (Usually my own consequence to my own action), and I’m still standing. I’ve seen beauty from ashes, and I’ve experienced restoration. I’ve truly felt the reward of perseverance.
Its taken me a lot of pain, a lot of holding on too long, and my share of letting go too early; to truly understand the fine, yet GINORMOUS differences between these three words. There are times when I hear that voice LOUDLY urging me to just NOT Quit, and then there are others that remind me to walk away gracefully.
Every circumstance is different. Every person isn’t the same. What one can endure and persevere and be victorious in, may not be the same outcome for another. And that is ok. Its ok to surrender. Sometimes, that’s the victory in and of itself. It takes courage to admit defeat, and it takes courage to wade through opposition. Be still, and listen to that small voice inside. Choose to have a strong will when necessary, and a gracious relinquishment when and if its time.
There are circumstances that I will choose to persevere and press forward, knowing in my heart God is uttering “I need you to not quit.” There are some that I even have been persistent in at times, and that persistence turned into perseverance. I began opening my eyes to reality, and became willing to learn some really hard lessons, and then change my path and my direction accordingly. There are certain areas in my life, where I am going to remain steadfast and hold on, trusting in God’s will.
and there are others today, that I will bow out of. I will acknowledge defeat, and I will choose to face the fears of the unknown. With the confidence that God’s will is ALWAYS stronger than my wont.
the above image is from the instagram of: @andrearhowey
The Majesty of the Hawk
As I saw this Hawk today close enough to touch, I couldn’t help but think of how majestic he was. I was reminded of Gods marvelous creation. How effortlessly the hawk soars and how he spreads his wings towards the sun. To see a hawk in flight is a beautiful spectacle. Their wings are truly radiant, and they fly with such ease and grace.
In Job 39:26 it says: “Does the hawk fly by your wisdom, and spread it’s wings toward the south?” (This is God challenging Job, reminding Job of just who He is, and that Job is not God, that Job himself isn’t capable of such creation and infinite rule over this Earth and all of its creation)
Clearly in this passage of scripture there is some significance in the hawks wings toward the south. So, as I did some research, I found out that when a bird is going to shed it’s feathers, as it has to do from time to time, to be capable of flying so marvelously, it has to stay toward the sun. ( Hence their need to fly south for the winter) It will shed thousands of feathers at one time, and will need to be toward the sun to stay warm. During this process, the bird loses the same weight of feathers on each side of his body, so that his weight remains evenly disbursed. (YALL! HOW COOL IS THAT??? God is so incredible that He makes sure that the bird isn’t lopsided and can still fly??) If a bird were to forgo this process of turning toward the sun, it would lose its heat source and become earthbound, eventually dying.
I believe the significance in this, is our own shedding of feathers. When we turn towards the Son, and shed our sin, shame, guilt, lies, pain, heartache, betrayal, etc. we too become new, and are then able to take flight. If we were to keep our old feathers, and become of this world, it too, will eventually kill us.
I’m thankful for Gods infinite wisdom. That He gives me the courage and the ability to figuratively spread my wings, and let go of all the feathers that have kept me earthbound. I’m thankful for a Heavenly Father who not only allows me to shed those feathers of my sinful past, but places the wind beneath me to soar high and gracefully. There truly is beauty in grace.
Shattered Glass
I so often feel, as I look at my life, that all I am is broken pieces of something that once was; a life that’s been in disarray and anything but put together. When I look at myself, through a worldly lens, I see only shards of glass. I see someone damaged and broken -Someone unworthy of being put back together. I see a heap of tiny fragments. I once was whole; I was pieced together without a crack, without a broken heart, without deep wounds, and without a life of poor choices that took pieces of me away at every turn. Over the last 18 years of my life, I have truly left little pieces of myself along the journey to where I am today.
Do you know that there are people that collect shards of glass? For real, they are called shard hunters (not the coolest name, but it’ll do). These men and women go digging through desolate spots looking for fragments of colored glass. Within each pile of rubbish, overgrowth of shrubbery and weeds, they find tiny pieces of history. Of a life that once was. They scour through roots and deep Earth in search of the remnants of yesterday. Each fraction of glass represents a story of something greater, something that was once whole, and now, be as it may, its only a piece of what it used to be.
Some of these S H A R D H U N T E R S spend much of their time in the Northeast where debris and heaps of vanished factories once thrived. In the 19th century, this area was filled with window manufacturers and architectural ornament. Some of the beautiful panes and works of art are displayed in the Trinity Church in Boston and on the campus of Harvard. These now remnants speak stories of a deep history.
After their collection of beautiful scrap, they make breathtaking mosaics. They create majestic works of art that reflect the Light of God in church windows, in wind chimes, in vases, and many more forms of art.
I believe that this is the same way God views us. He sees all of our broken pieces; all of our “S H A R D”, and at the work of His masterful hand, He crafts something beautiful. In order to have a relationship with the Savior, you have to admit that you are a broken person. That you are less than what He desires you to become. You have to acknowledge all the debris, the broken pieces, and the fragments of heartache. Jesus longs for that day for each one of us. He pursues us, scours through overgrowth, through murky, dark, and desolate land to save all of our broken pieces. And He so diligently places us back together. Better than we would’ve been had we not endured all the cracks, the fragments, the heartaches, and the painful journey.
I am thankful for the sweet reminder today, that I am so much more than shattered glass. I am a beautiful Mosaic. I am the creation of the Master, His masterpiece. Each particle of glass, in His palm, becomes an invaluable piece of art. Im thankful I no longer have to look at all the brokenness and be ashamed. I can look at the sea of S H A R D, and know, I went through all of that, so that I too, could reflect the Light of God, the hope in Jesus, and THE BEAUTY IN GRACE.
TRY or Better yet, DONT
If you haven’t heard this song, take a moment and truly listen to the lyrics. It speaks volumes into the depths of insecurity for me, and even further into the depths that the insecurity took me. I struggled for FAR too long to change who I was in an order to be “loved”. I became anything but myself. I would wake up every day hoping to be liked, wanted, and desired. I found myself in a faithless marriage, seeking the attention of any man that would look my direction, and worst of all, I WAS A MOTHER. I was setting the example to look into the mirror. To find your value in only what you can see. Each night, I would find myself sleepless, hating who I was. I didn’t like who I had become. I didn’t even know myself anymore. I kept thinking that someone else could love me enough for me and for them. I was so wrong.
It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom that I realized there was only one love that would fulfill the gaping hole in my heart- one love that would wash away the insecurity and reveal the confidence I had long searched for. It wasn’t until I found Jesus, (And some amazing counselors and a very supportive boyfriend) that I was able to piece my life back together, the way it was meant to be. I realize now, I don’t have to try to be someone I’m not. I don’t have to show every piece of skin on my body to be beautiful, I don’t have to have perfectly teased hair to be accepted, I don’t need to weigh less than my 11 year old to be healthy, I don’t have to be bankrupt to be fulfilled, I don’t have to be sexy to be loved. I don’t have to try anymore, not for that anyway.
These days, I try to wake up every morning and Thank God for another day (unless its a really wet Monday, and then I ask for more sleep), I try to have patience throughout my work day and do my job to the very best of my abilities, I try to be the most present mother when I am with my children… pouring into their needs and lives instead of my social media accounts or the mirror, I try to show my children that their worth is in the kind of people they are instead of what the mirror reflects, I try to give grace as I have received it so overwhelmingly from my Savior, I try to offer forgiveness even when its not asked of me, I try to show my love to the people that matter most each day and in new ways, I try to shine Jesus in all that I do, and I try to share the shame, and the pit of insecurity that I walked through so that someone else walking through it can see there is Light, there is hope!!! And You don’t have to try to earn His love. Jesus extends it freely. You friend, are SO WORTH LOVING! Just as you are. Don’t settle for insecurity and the lies that Satan feeds you of your worth. Remember, you are uniquely you, and bring something incredible to the table, regardless of where you’ve been! Don’t TRY to earn love, you’ll always come up emptier than you went down!
This Season is Different
This season is one that has always been filled with family.
I am the baby of four siblings, and when I was 20, my parents adopted; so I now have two younger siblings as well. With our family, this time of year has always been full of time together. November and December were pretty much filled with activity and merriment and all the Sims one could stand.
I come into this season, this year, different than in years prior.
That merriment and cheer, aren’t filling the air this season. This is a grieving season for my family. It’s the first set of holidays without my big brother, and as grieving tends to do, it’s taken us each our own way. It’s left us all fighting for some peace and searching for answers to questions we don’t even know our hearts are asking.
This world gives me so many reasons to look outwardly and be sad, lonely, and empty. It’s a season for most, filled with bonding, laughter and memories made. Filled with family and the love of others. It’s filled with worldly comforts wrapped in shiny paper and beautiful bows.
I’m so thankful that this season is different than years prior.
I’m thankful that for the first time, I’m merely in this world and not of it. I’m thankful that while my flesh screams how lonely and sad this Christmas is, my God reminds me that He is my comforter, and He is my family. I’m thankful that while I long to be with my brother in heaven, my God promises to unite us again in glory. It’s not easy to constantly remember God is holding and protecting you, when social media does ALL but slap you in the face with everyone’s perfect Christmas engagement, or immaculate family photo. It’s hard not to be reminded of the realities of this world. But as soon as Satan taunts me with everyone else’s “picture perfect”; God graciously shows me the cross. He reminds me that no story is picture perfect, all are filled with storms, but THIS- THIS IS MY STORY. He reminds me that my story, is His story, and His story, is better than picture perfect-even when it seems unclear. Even when it looks like Chinese take out, and less like 20 casseroles.
This season is different than years prior.
This season unlike any other, I’m trusting and believing in Jesus. I’m leaning into Him, and looking upward instead of outward. I’m looking for His direction, instead of following the order of tradition. I’m looking for the acceptance He brings, instead of the praises of this world.
This season Is different than in years prior.
This season is the first Christmas, it’s truly about the birth of a Savior and not the comforts wrapped under the tree. This is the first season I actually have HOPE. This is the first season that I truly understand the meaning of His birth. This is the first season, I care more about others and little for myself. This is the first season I understand the beauty in grace.
This season is different than in year prior.
Photo credit: my big brother Stuart. This was his last Christmas tree. Made of books and Encyclopedias. He was a total nerd and the greatest big brother in the world. @slsims
Be Still & Know
I’ll be the first to say, I am terrible at being still. So, when God calls us to: “Be still and know that I am God….” It’s been nearly impossible for me to put that into practice. Being still hasn’t been anything I have habitually done.. EVER! I run, I go, I do… I fill any quiet time with activity. And up until now I was running from myself. In all honesty, I was scared what I would hear if it wasn’t for the noise. So, in the moments that God was relentlessly pursuing me and giving me silence to hear His voice, I would quickly get in motion to drown out the stillness. I would peruse the aisles of target, sleep with a white noise machine, and take medicine to sleep, play music loudly in the car, roll the windows down…. ANYTHING to keep from hearing silence.
God refuses to speak over our distractions. He isn’t going to loudly proclaim His will and direction for our lives over the commotions we create. He will wait- Until its silent to whisper into our souls and our hearts. Being still is an act of faith. It’s an offering of trust, and an act of belief that you are waiting for His lead in your life. You see, He offers us the ability to wait and listen, or go in ignorance and walk straight into heartache. He isn’t going to demand we follow Him, or seek His will. That is ultimately our choice. But, He waits with anticipation to speak into our hearts. He longs for our faithfulness and trust, and ultimately wants to give us the desires of our hearts.
I’m consciously practicing the calling of being still. My heart is so focused on what His will is for my life that I don’t want to miss a single syllable of what He has to speak over me. I, with all my being, believe His will is far better than mine, and He knows better than I. I am trusting in Jesus today; I am quietly awaiting His directions, and will Be still. He holds the universe and I’m confident that He holds my past my present and my future. And if I’m quiet, He will always give me the best! Far better than anything I could create in chaos.
A Grandmother’s love
I was able to take an impromptu trip to Alabama this weekend to visit with some of my extended family. It’s always nice to be surrounded by familiar faces, and people that love you regardless of how many times you have fallen face first. It’s nice to have the sweet reminder that we weren’t created to be islands, and that we are so genuinely loved.
My precious “Nannie” is identical to yours. She loves me relentlessly, she always believes in the good within me, and refuses to see my past. She softly whispers words of encouragement and nudges me to continue chasing Jesus. My nannie utters words of praise and empathizes with the struggles of this world. She will be 79 soon…. And she can definitely attest to struggle. She has known the ache of losing a sibling just as I have, and she has known the difficulties within relationships and lived through it all. She can ALWAYS find the joy and a comforting word within all circumstance. I believe this comes from a lot of living-A lot of sacrificing- and a lot of Jesus.
Being with her this weekend was a wonderful reminder that Jesus loves me EVEN more than she does. He is constantly whispering words of encouragement and nudging me to follow His will. My failures and shortcomings are as far as the east is from the west. From one scarred hand to the other. He, more than anyone, empathizes with me and knows better than all, the struggles and heartaches within this broken world. He longs to hold me and guide me. He wants to be the constant reminder in my life, that I am not alone. It’s so hard sometimes; when we grow weary, to remember we aren’t in this by ourselves. He is a breath away. I’m thankful today for my nannie, and for her unconditional love. I’m thankful for the picture of serving, commitment, and selflessness she has always demonstrated. I’m thankful this morning for a God who so lovingly knew what my heart needed, and sent me on a random trip to Alabama searching for Him. I’m grateful He used my nannie as His instrument of love.
I’m thankful that while the path is narrow, and sometimes it seems lonely, God is every day breathing new life into me. He is continually opening my eyes to His grace, and calling me further into a relationship with Him. As pieces of my life are continually changing, I believe with all of me, He is opening new beginnings. And I am chasing Him with reckless abandon.
A Wolf in Sheep’s clothing
With the clearest vision, and eyes looking up… You can genuinely see Satan’s traps for exactly what they are. When your eyes are looking down and turned solely on yourself, it’s hard to see them until you are entangled in this web of sin and destruction, screaming FOR YOUR LIFE. It’s when your eyes are looking to help, THE ONLY HELP, BEFORE the ensnarement, that you can avoid the trap all together. You are able to see destruction down one path, and faithfulness and contentment down the other. It’s here, that you can see Gods will versus Satan’s lie.
I have a history of selfishness, as I’ve stated throughout my blog. I have a history of seeking love in ALL THE WRONG PLACES. I have a history of hating myself and pleading for anyone to love me enough to fill the spot I couldn’t live with. I have a history. It’s messy. It’s painful. And It’s ugly.
Satan used the lust of men to entice me into the trap of feeling loved. Satan lured me each time with the lie that this man or that man would love me. All of this so called love was based solely on the exterior that I tried so desperately to perfect; so that no one would see the broken, lonely girl I was on the inside.
I was married. And I was reveling in other men’s attention. I was with all of me, dressing for it, looking for it, begging for it. I succeeded. I got exactly what Satan told me I wanted. I got “love” for a moment. I got told how beautiful I was for a text message or two…on that secret phone. I got exactly what Satan told me I had to have.
What I didn’t get was genuine, unconditional love. I didn’t get a happy marriage. I didn’t get healthy. I didn’t get Jesus. I was absolutely lost. And with each turn of another mans head, I got more and more broken. What I thought would fulfill me, kept tearing me further away from the longing I truly had.
You see, Satan does know, just as Jesus does, the desires of our heart. He knows what we long for, and he also knows the greatest way to present that as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He knew my loneliness. He knew my longing for connection and understanding. He knew my need for affection. And he was doing everything he could to keep me from turning to Jesus to fulfill each of those needs. He kept giving me worldly men that would appear to meet my needs, only to leave my heart ripped apart, my whole self engulfed in sin, and the shame and guilt that would indeed come with my choices.
The ramifications and destruction of this cycle are almost unspeakable. It left me sick, 95 lbs., alone, empty, and struggling to pick up the pieces. It left me completely paralyzed with guilt and shame. It left me. Period. I was no longer a viable person. No one worthy of much, anyways.
It wasn’t until I came to Jesus, that I began seeing a different path. It wasn’t until I situated my eyes on the cross, that I was able to feel everything that I had spent a decade searching for. It wasn’t until I reached to Jesus that I became free.
Id be lying if I said that it isn’t an intentional decision to carry myself differently. I do things deliberately now. I am intentional in the way I dress, in the conversations I will in engage and with whom. I’m mindful of my past and how quickly I have fallen into Satan’s traps. If I’m not, I’ll quickly fall right back down. My greatest desires haven’t changed. Just the man to which is fulfilling them has. Jesus is the ONLY man that can fulfill all my desires. He is the only man that can make me feel loved, even in the midst of all my sin. Jesus is the only man that can free me from my shame. He is the only man that offers me beauty in grace!
I was reminded tonight, through a linkedin request by one of the men I had sought attention from in my past; of every single pain I have caused. To myself, To my children, to my partner, to others… And I took that moment, to thank God for rescuing me from that life. From that trap. From that past. I believe Satan was trying his hardest to get me to look elsewhere for my love. To turn my eyes off the cross, if even for a moment. I believe he wanted to take me back down the road of ensnarement. An attempt to take my focus off the life and path I am striving for NOW.
I’m thankful tonight that I have eyes that are looking up. That I have a God that is looking down, and Jesus carrying all my sin on a cross to offer me this beauty in grace.
The Beauty In Grace 