April 1st. I don’t talk about this day much, because it’s a very heavy day. It’s a day of reflection, a day of heartache, a day of regret, of gratitude, of brokenness. It’s the day my brother died by suicide.
Stuart was larger than life. He was full of knowledge and wit, and always reminded you of both. He was confident, strong, and a great leader. He was my big brother. He was my hero.
What most people do not realize about this day 6 years ago, is that March 30th 2014, I had called my big brother, the attorney, and begged him to make sure my kids were taken care of. I begged him to love on them always.
You see, I was in a terrible broken place myself. I had gone through a divorce that was terrible, I had no control over what was happening when my children weren’t in my care, the bills and the overwhelming struggles were taking over my world. I had gotten down to 85lbs, and was very sick. I asked my brother to love my babies. SO I COULD END MY LIFE.
That day, Stuart told me: “suck it up, Sally! (His nickname for me) everything will be ok. Your ex will be in jail soon, you have a great job, you have WDD, things are going to work out and this will all be something to laugh about soon enough.”
That day Stuart didn’t tell me that he was hurting. He didn’t tell me that he too, had a world that had just shattered. He didn’t even hint to being in a place of instability. He wouldn’t have. That wasn’t Stuart. But he listened to me. He heard my heart and he gave me calm on a day I wanted to end. He gave me hope that my life would be great. And it is.
The next day, March 31st, I received a text message from my brother, telling me that something had happened, and he was upset. He told me that he loved me and we exchanged a text or two more.
April 1st 2014, I woke up early, took the kids to school, and was off to another day in busy season. I text him at 7:51AM “ i love you brother! Thinking of you today” but he was gone. He was already with Jesus. About the same exact time.
The days following I was forced to get help for My depression, for my anxiety, and for my disordered eating. Stuart forced me to get strong, to fight for my life, to fight for the life of my kids. My brother loved me so much, that he knew we were both hurting, and in Stuart fashion did something first KNOWING I couldn’t do it too.
He saved my life that day.
He will always be my big brother.
He will always be my hero.
And y’all, he was right; I sucked it up, and my life ended up great. I still have all of the wonderful things he reminded me of that day. I have someone (William Dukes) who loves me JUST the way Stuart wouldve wanted!
I only wish he were he to remind me that he was right. Because lets be honest, that was his favorite pastime! #thebeautyingrace
The Beauty In Grace 