This season is one that has always been filled with family.

I am the baby of four siblings, and when I was 20, my parents adopted; so I now have two younger siblings as well. With our family, this time of year has always been full of time together. November and December were pretty much filled with activity and merriment and all the Sims one could stand.

I come into this season, this year, different than in years prior.

That merriment and cheer, aren’t filling the air this season. This is a grieving season for my family. It’s the first set of holidays without my big brother, and as grieving tends to do, it’s taken us each our own way. It’s left us all fighting for some peace and searching for answers to questions we don’t even know our hearts are asking.

This world gives me so many reasons to look outwardly and be sad, lonely, and empty. It’s a season for most, filled with bonding, laughter and memories made. Filled with family and the love of others. It’s filled with worldly comforts wrapped in shiny paper and beautiful bows.

I’m so thankful that this season is different than years prior.

I’m thankful that for the first time, I’m merely in this world and not of it. I’m thankful that while my flesh screams how lonely and sad this Christmas is, my God reminds me that He is my comforter, and He is my family. I’m thankful that while I long to be with my brother in heaven, my God promises to unite us again in glory. It’s not easy to constantly remember God is holding and protecting you, when social media does ALL but slap you in the face with everyone’s perfect Christmas engagement, or immaculate family photo. It’s hard not to be reminded of the realities of this world. But as soon as Satan taunts me with everyone else’s “picture perfect”; God graciously shows me the cross. He reminds me that no story is picture perfect, all are filled with storms, but THIS- THIS IS MY STORY. He reminds me that my story, is His story, and His story, is better than picture perfect-even when it seems unclear. Even when it looks like Chinese take out, and less like 20 casseroles.

This season is different than years prior.

This season unlike any other, I’m trusting and believing in Jesus. I’m leaning into Him, and looking upward instead of outward. I’m looking for His direction, instead of following the order of tradition. I’m looking for the acceptance He brings, instead of the praises of this world.

This season Is different than in years prior.

This season is the first Christmas, it’s truly about the birth of a Savior and not the comforts wrapped under the tree. This is the first season I actually have HOPE. This is the first season that I truly understand the meaning of His birth. This is the first season, I care more about others and little for myself. This is the first season I understand the beauty in grace.

This season is different than in year prior.

Photo credit: my big brother Stuart. This was his last Christmas tree. Made of books and Encyclopedias. He was a total nerd and the greatest big brother in the world. @slsims