I’ll be the first to say, I am terrible at being still. So, when God calls us to: “Be still and know that I am God….” It’s been nearly impossible for me to put that into practice. Being still hasn’t been anything I have habitually done.. EVER! I run, I go, I do… I fill any quiet time with activity. And up until now I was running from myself. In all honesty, I was scared what I would hear if it wasn’t for the noise. So, in the moments that God was relentlessly pursuing me and giving me silence to hear His voice, I would quickly get in motion to drown out the stillness. I would peruse the aisles of target, sleep with a white noise machine, and take medicine to sleep, play music loudly in the car, roll the windows down…. ANYTHING to keep from hearing silence.

God refuses to speak over our distractions. He isn’t going to loudly proclaim His will and direction for our lives over the commotions we create. He will wait- Until its silent to whisper into our souls and our hearts. Being still is an act of faith. It’s an offering of trust, and an act of belief that you are waiting for His lead in your life. You see, He offers us the ability to wait and listen, or go in ignorance and walk straight into heartache. He isn’t going to demand we follow Him, or seek His will. That is ultimately our choice. But, He waits with anticipation to speak into our hearts. He longs for our faithfulness and trust, and ultimately wants to give us the desires of our hearts.

I’m consciously practicing the calling of being still. My heart is so focused on what His will is for my life that I don’t want to miss a single syllable of what He has to speak over me. I, with all my being, believe His will is far better than mine, and He knows better than I. I am trusting in Jesus today; I am quietly awaiting His directions, and will Be still. He holds the universe and I’m confident that He holds my past my present and my future. And if I’m quiet, He will always give me the best! Far better than anything I could create in chaos.

I was able to take an impromptu trip to Alabama this weekend to visit with some of my extended family. It’s always nice to be surrounded by familiar faces, and people that love you regardless of how many times you have fallen face first. It’s nice to have the sweet reminder that we weren’t created to be islands, and that we are so genuinely loved.

My precious “Nannie” is identical to yours. She loves me relentlessly, she always believes in the good within me, and refuses to see my past. She softly whispers words of encouragement and nudges me to continue chasing Jesus. My nannie utters words of praise and empathizes with the struggles of this world. She will be 79 soon…. And she can definitely attest to struggle. She has known the ache of losing a sibling just as I have, and she has known the difficulties within relationships and lived through it all. She can ALWAYS find the joy and a comforting word within all circumstance. I believe this comes from a lot of living-A lot of sacrificing- and a lot of Jesus.

Being with her this weekend was a wonderful reminder that Jesus loves me EVEN more than she does. He is constantly whispering words of encouragement and nudging me to follow His will. My failures and shortcomings are as far as the east is from the west. From one scarred hand to the other. He, more than anyone, empathizes with me and knows better than all, the struggles and heartaches within this broken world. He longs to hold me and guide me. He wants to be the constant reminder in my life, that I am not alone. It’s so hard sometimes; when we grow weary, to remember we aren’t in this by ourselves. He is a breath away. I’m thankful today for my nannie, and for her unconditional love. I’m thankful for the picture of serving, commitment, and selflessness she has always demonstrated. I’m thankful this morning for a God who so lovingly knew what my heart needed, and sent me on a random trip to Alabama searching for Him. I’m grateful He used my nannie as His instrument of love.

I’m thankful that while the path is narrow, and sometimes it seems lonely, God is every day breathing new life into me. He is continually opening my eyes to His grace, and calling me further into a relationship with Him. As pieces of my life are continually changing, I believe with all of me, He is opening new beginnings. And I am chasing Him with reckless abandon.

With the clearest vision, and eyes looking up… You can genuinely see Satan’s traps for exactly what they are. When your eyes are looking down and turned solely on yourself, it’s hard to see them until you are entangled in this web of sin and destruction, screaming FOR YOUR LIFE. It’s when your eyes are looking to help, THE ONLY HELP, BEFORE the ensnarement, that you can avoid the trap all together. You are able to see destruction down one path, and faithfulness and contentment down the other. It’s here, that you can see Gods will versus Satan’s lie.

I have a history of selfishness, as I’ve stated throughout my blog. I have a history of seeking love in ALL THE WRONG PLACES. I have a history of hating myself and pleading for anyone to love me enough to fill the spot I couldn’t live with. I have a history. It’s messy. It’s painful. And It’s ugly.

Satan used the lust of men to entice me into the trap of feeling loved. Satan lured me each time with the lie that this man or that man would love me. All of this so called love was based solely on the exterior that I tried so desperately to perfect; so that no one would see the broken, lonely girl I was on the inside.

I was married. And I was reveling in other men’s attention. I was with all of me, dressing for it, looking for it, begging for it. I succeeded. I got exactly what Satan told me I wanted. I got “love” for a moment. I got told how beautiful I was for a text message or two…on that secret phone. I got exactly what Satan told me I had to have.

What I didn’t get was genuine, unconditional love. I didn’t get a happy marriage. I didn’t get healthy. I didn’t get Jesus. I was absolutely lost. And with each turn of another mans head, I got more and more broken. What I thought would fulfill me, kept tearing me further away from the longing I truly had.

You see, Satan does know, just as Jesus does, the desires of our heart. He knows what we long for, and he also knows the greatest way to present that as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He knew my loneliness. He knew my longing for connection and understanding. He knew my need for affection. And he was doing everything he could to keep me from turning to Jesus to fulfill each of those needs. He kept giving me worldly men that would appear to meet my needs, only to leave my heart ripped apart, my whole self engulfed in sin, and the shame and guilt that would indeed come with my choices.

The ramifications and destruction of this cycle are almost unspeakable. It left me sick, 95 lbs., alone, empty, and struggling to pick up the pieces. It left me completely paralyzed with guilt and shame. It left me. Period. I was no longer a viable person. No one worthy of much, anyways.

It wasn’t until I came to Jesus, that I began seeing a different path. It wasn’t until I situated my eyes on the cross, that I was able to feel everything that I had spent a decade searching for. It wasn’t until I reached to Jesus that I became free.

Id be lying if I said that it isn’t an intentional decision to carry myself differently. I do things deliberately now. I am intentional in the way I dress, in the conversations I will in engage and with whom. I’m mindful of my past and how quickly I have fallen into Satan’s traps. If I’m not, I’ll quickly fall right back down. My greatest desires haven’t changed. Just the man to which is fulfilling them has. Jesus is the ONLY man that can fulfill all my desires. He is the only man that can make me feel loved, even in the midst of all my sin. Jesus is the only man that can free me from my shame. He is the only man that offers me beauty in grace!

I was reminded tonight, through a linkedin request by one of the men I had sought attention from in my past; of every single pain I have caused. To myself, To my children, to my partner, to others… And I took that moment, to thank God for rescuing me from that life. From that trap. From that past. I believe Satan was trying his hardest to get me to look elsewhere for my love. To turn my eyes off the cross, if even for a moment. I believe he wanted to take me back down the road of ensnarement. An attempt to take my focus off the life and path I am striving for NOW.

I’m thankful tonight that I have eyes that are looking up. That I have a God that is looking down, and Jesus carrying all my sin on a cross to offer me this beauty in grace.

Do you leave people better than when you found them? Are they better for having known you? Do you add value to the people around you, or do you take life away?
Not really easy questions….. For me anyways.

The truth is: I have a history of ME.

I wasn’t in the business to leave people better than when I found them. Let’s be real, that meant my attention had to deviate from me long enough to focus on someone else- and That wasn’t gonna happen. No one was better for having met me. They were less. They were less of who they were before they crossed my path. I have been selfish. A giver wasn’t an adjective used to describe me.

Ever.

Taker. That’s what I’ve been. A taker. Looking out for myself, and leaving a trail of empty people in my wake.

After a decade of ME CENTERED living, you’d think I’d have it all. But I woke up each morning empty. Completely unfulfilled, and still searching. I sought out how to fill that empty space. Over, and over and over. It was an every day, every decision cycle. It became second nature to choose me. To choose temporary happiness (that satan conveniently disguised as lifelong joy). Ironically, with every self centered choice, I was still left emptier than the choice before. I became a shell of a person. Exhausted. Empty. Broken.

It has to become a thought out process to choose something different. To choose someone other than me. To be unselfish. I LITERALLY have to stop! I have to slow life down a bit (A TON), and literally think out my decisions and how they affect everyone else. It’s saddening to think I have to consciously think about others. That that isn’t instinctive. But, it isn’t! My default is ME.

Is your default you? Do you think of yourself before you think of others?

That friends, is the nature in which we were born. We were born selfish. We were born into sin. We were born with a default setting of, ME. All of us. It isn’t until we come to Jesus that we are able to see the joy in selflessness. It isn’t until we look up, that we are able to see others. In light of the cross, we are able to see past our own self.

I’m still very much on this journey of consciously thinking of others, I pray.. It becomes second nature. I’m happier when others are fulfilled, and I see now how miserable I am in momentary selfish satisfaction.

My hope, is that I will leave people better than when I found them. That I would be a light in their life. If even momentarily. I pray they see Jesus in me.